Depression...

Darkness & Struggle

Can you see it? Is it a phase, one day it's here the next it's gone? Can it be told to disappear forever?

These are questions many people, like me, ask when talking about depression. First off, I believe God is. I believe God can cure anything in His will to do so. I believe prayer works. That being said... Just telling people, like me, to "pray" or "get right with God" and everything will be fine, really... DOESNT HELP!

I'm a Christian, not a perfect one and by far not even a good example of one... But I suffer with depression. It's not an emotional, or hormonal, off and on thing... I've been struggling with it much of my life. The worst part is, no one I've talked too really cares to try and understand. I keep being told to just pray and it will be fine, but it doesn't work. Not even praying the way my parents tell me too using the "courtroom" method.

What's made things worse is that my mother posted about me being overweight for the whole freaking world to know without thinking that, just maybe, it would be best to NOT say that? I know I'm overweight, I see it every moment and I'm fully disgusted with myself. I already am ashamed that no matter WHAT I try, even walking 2-3miles every three days and changing my diet, I can't lose this weight. I've tried doing diets, pills, exercise, but after months and months of no results... Yeah... A bit heart breaking.

My depression is mild compared to what it had been a few years ago... Yes I still think of suicide, yes I take it to Christ daily in the "courtroom". But only a brief moment of peace, before the cloud is back. I've tried taking pills for depression, but it made it severely worse.

The only things that keep me going are Gods promise... To always be with me.

I speak about this now, because many like me, who struggle with this disease (which is what it is...) need to know that it's ok to speak out. Depression is a disease of the mind and heart. But people rarely know someone has it because we, depressed people, put a smile on... Prayer works, for a moment. Music may block it out for a time... But it remains, lingering like a dark cloud...

Been A While...

Well it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog here...

Gabriel is now 2 yrs old. He's as mischievous as ever, but very helpful! He now throws away trash, cleans up his toys (with a little coaxing), and nearly dresses and undresses himself! Today he cleaned up his toys WITHOUT being told too! Shocked me! But he got a great reward for it... Chocolate milk! Also, he now tells me when I ask him, if his diaper is dirty... Not with words, no, he still doesn't talk... But with actions.

Elijah is starting to climb on anything and anyone to try walking. He's still shaky, but he'll be walking soon enough...he's now 11 mo old. I'm very proud of him too. He says "dada", "nana", "baba", "mama", "bubba". So far.

Sadly, my sister is still out of touch with realty.

My husband has been exceedingly helpful too! I really am blessed, he works hard and then comes home and then takes care of the kids and kitchen. You see, I'm pregnant again... And I'm still fatigued with senses on high, I have trouble with odors... Bad ones. So Less has taken up the slack. I'm proud of him.

My parents are doing well. Love them!

Well... That's about it!