Depression...

Darkness & Struggle

Can you see it? Is it a phase, one day it's here the next it's gone? Can it be told to disappear forever?

These are questions many people, like me, ask when talking about depression. First off, I believe God is. I believe God can cure anything in His will to do so. I believe prayer works. That being said... Just telling people, like me, to "pray" or "get right with God" and everything will be fine, really... DOESNT HELP!

I'm a Christian, not a perfect one and by far not even a good example of one... But I suffer with depression. It's not an emotional, or hormonal, off and on thing... I've been struggling with it much of my life. The worst part is, no one I've talked too really cares to try and understand. I keep being told to just pray and it will be fine, but it doesn't work. Not even praying the way my parents tell me too using the "courtroom" method.

What's made things worse is that my mother posted about me being overweight for the whole freaking world to know without thinking that, just maybe, it would be best to NOT say that? I know I'm overweight, I see it every moment and I'm fully disgusted with myself. I already am ashamed that no matter WHAT I try, even walking 2-3miles every three days and changing my diet, I can't lose this weight. I've tried doing diets, pills, exercise, but after months and months of no results... Yeah... A bit heart breaking.

My depression is mild compared to what it had been a few years ago... Yes I still think of suicide, yes I take it to Christ daily in the "courtroom". But only a brief moment of peace, before the cloud is back. I've tried taking pills for depression, but it made it severely worse.

The only things that keep me going are Gods promise... To always be with me.

I speak about this now, because many like me, who struggle with this disease (which is what it is...) need to know that it's ok to speak out. Depression is a disease of the mind and heart. But people rarely know someone has it because we, depressed people, put a smile on... Prayer works, for a moment. Music may block it out for a time... But it remains, lingering like a dark cloud...

Been A While...

Well it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog here...

Gabriel is now 2 yrs old. He's as mischievous as ever, but very helpful! He now throws away trash, cleans up his toys (with a little coaxing), and nearly dresses and undresses himself! Today he cleaned up his toys WITHOUT being told too! Shocked me! But he got a great reward for it... Chocolate milk! Also, he now tells me when I ask him, if his diaper is dirty... Not with words, no, he still doesn't talk... But with actions.

Elijah is starting to climb on anything and anyone to try walking. He's still shaky, but he'll be walking soon enough...he's now 11 mo old. I'm very proud of him too. He says "dada", "nana", "baba", "mama", "bubba". So far.

Sadly, my sister is still out of touch with realty.

My husband has been exceedingly helpful too! I really am blessed, he works hard and then comes home and then takes care of the kids and kitchen. You see, I'm pregnant again... And I'm still fatigued with senses on high, I have trouble with odors... Bad ones. So Less has taken up the slack. I'm proud of him.

My parents are doing well. Love them!

Well... That's about it!

Update: life so far...

It's been a tough time for the last couple of years... let me see if I can bring things up to speed...

First of all I want to speak about the blessings in my life. My husband, Less, is the most amazing man in the world and I will continue to pray for him in his walk with Christ. He works so hard to provide for our family, and loves his boys with a passion. He has grown from a broken spirit into a man of fullness and growing more complete by the day. He infuriates me at times, with many childish ways, or with some humorous stuff... But it makes me fall in love with him more too. We fight, but we forgive. And that's the most important thing in our relationship, love and forgiveness...

See, in our first year of marriage, 2014, Less cheated on me. Not physically, but emotionally and it began to destroy our marriage. Why? Because I didn't forgive him. I was hurt and mad about it, I was entirely upset to the point of planning out the day I would leave him... but then, God reminded me of something...

In my life, I had cheated on God. But He still loves me, and has forgiven me, so why couldn't I forgive my husband? How was my cheating on God any different than Less' cheating on me? So I forgive him after more than a year of being bitter and angry... I realized that when I forgive him, I was freed from that bitterness... the anger no longer lingered.

Then we found out I was pregnant again! I had a beautiful baby boy, named Elijah who was not planned, but loves just the same. He was born May 13, 2015 at 10:59pm. And by a doc I had not met up till that point... Dr. Eldor. He was amazing! Very nice and friendly, if I'm ever prego again I May just go with him.

Well, Gabriel, my oldest who is now 22 months old, is growing quickly! He doesn't talk much yet, but jibbers, and signs. He's a big flirt though! Lol! My cutie is also looking like his daddy each and every day!

Elijah is now 7 months old... And growing up quickly. He is learning to crawl! So nice... can't wait till he's old enough to play with his brother... Elijah already adores his brother, and Gabriel is learning to help out.

Those are the blessings in my life... now for the tough stuff...

My parents have been having a difficult time... My sister has chosen to remove herself and her kids from their lives... It's been hard, but the good thing that's come out of this is that I've begun growing closer to my parents, they've been growing closer to each other and to God. I'm happy my parents are trusting God in this hard time...

I'm struggling with my thyroid. It is bad and it is affecting my whole life. I struggle to make it thru the day, and to deal with my boys... But God is my strength, and Less helps out when he gets home from work...

Less is a wonderful husband and father. And I'm blessed he's all mine! We are hoping to renew our vows in April, April 1st is our anniversary lol... Yep at 2:00pm April 1, 2014 we were officially married by the JP.

Anyway, that's about all... I'm tired and I wish you all a Merry CHRISTmas...

A teaching song...

"God opposes the proud; but gives strength to the Humble

Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

This song has been on my heart for nearly 2 weeks now. I can't help but feel it is meant to teach me to humble myself and release my pride. However, I do not understand the meaning entirely.

Recently, I've had to fore go pride and be humble around several people - including a few I would rather have not even been associated with. Where is the pride I have? I am not saying I do not have ANY, I am simply trying to find the pride in my life and where it is. I believe it is buried and only comes out when I least expect it to show...

However, other things have been going on in my life recently too. Such as my son's growth and his wonderful development! He's growing so quickly, it feels surreal still being a mother for the first time... I still can't see past that amazing and terrifying feeling.

God has given me my heart's desire: A son. A family. I am still reeling from this experience. I am forever grateful to God for my blessings...

The struggles and trials I face every day are different than before, simply because now I am charged with the health and safety of another life. A precious innocent life that is so amazingly wonderful I can't even think of a better one. Gabriel is my little angel - with a silly little twist... he's gonna have a strong personality.

Some days I can't wait to see him running through puddles, making mud-pies, and eating earth worms, lol. Then there are those days when it feels like he's growing too quickly... going from such a small size to wearing 3 mo. old clothing sizes at just 1 1/2 months old! It's crazy! I love it though! At least we have clothes for him!

I have a simple prayer request, before I quit typing tonight...

My extended family needs prayer, my parents and my sister and her family... they need prayer to get them through their rough spots and their good spots.

and lastly... I ask for prayer for my hubby, Lessie. Pray that God will open his eyes and his heart a bit more to God and to me... that Lessie will understand and finally realize he doesn't need outsiders' approval, that he only needs God's approval. Also, that he will seek to do right thing, be honest and open with me. (I'm not saying like a woman, but just honest).

Thank you and have a great day. God Bless!

New Beginnings...

New Beginnings

I've created a new blog because my old account had been hacked, so I'm making a new blog - I will not remove the other blog until next month however, so feel free to catch up on what's been happening in my life on that blog. But I guess I will go ahead and put an entry here...

Welcome

First of all I'd like to re-iterate myself in saying:

I am thankful for my blessings, for without God's eternal mercy and grace I would not be where I am or who I am today.

God has done so much in my life. Giving me a man who is hardworking, loving and God-fearing. Giving me a son whom I adore and love with all my heart. I love both of these amazing blessings with all I am. God has never forsaken me even when I felt he had, instead he was just preparing me for the future I could not see.

God hasn't brought me and my husband this far, just to forsake us in our time of need. Something I've learned about how God works - is that He brings us right where we need to be at the time we need to be there. Because He knows it will bring us closer to Him and build us up and make us stronger in our faith.

Les and I have already had several struggles in the beginning of our relationship. We have dealt with people who abused our kindness and generosity, put us down, tried to split us up, even those who would speak ill of us to others. We have come through it together and with God leading the way!

We still have our spats, our disagreements and our arguments, but this just makes us stronger, because we learn about each other more and more through our disagreements. We still do not go to bed angry, we come together and forgive each other. We remember that God is the one who brought us together, He is the one who opened doors for us to be where we are now. So all we can do is trust that He is going to help us make it through the trials and troubles we face.

Recently, my parents were God's answer to our prayers. We were doing well on our own, however, we had our moment where we had to ask for help. The experience was humbling and difficult. Because we had been doing well on our own, we had not needed to ask for help, until then. My parents were God's answer to our need.

Thank you God for answering our prayers and knowing our needs!

My father is also an amazingly intelligent and wise man, of whom I am growing more and more closer too with each passing day. My father wasn't always there for me during childhood, he was cruel at first with words that cut deeper than any physical harm or physical knife could do. But as I grew up, I became stronger, through those cruel years of my life, my skin became thick and my head became stronger. My father's words became my strength to withstand the outside world. For the world outside was crueler and harsher than anything I could have ever known. If it had not been for my father creating a thick skin for me, I would have crumbled and been devoured by it. So, yes, at the time it was cruel - and wrong - of my father to say things like he did, but looking back I am grateful for it. I am grateful to my father for teaching me to handle cruelty and for teaching me to withstand it.

Recently, he and my mother had come to visit. My dad was willing to fix Les' bike up for Les so he could ride to and from work instead of always having to walk. He put a new chain on it and then fixed it up as best he could with what he had on him. Then as we talked, he gave some excellent advice - of which I discussed with Les and we decided to take it to heart together...

See my Dad knew we were trying to save some money. Our car was draining us, it was always breaking down, so my dad suggested that we get rid of it, but that left us with another dilemma: Transportation. My father then offered to give me and Les some help in that matter as well - by looking for us some decent bikes! That made me so stunned, I was speechless at first. He also suggested we get rid of our cable companies bundling stuff and get something cheaper.

All of this we took to heart. In fact, we loved the idea! Les and I talked it over - over the week, trying to decide what would be best for us, and my father's idea stood out and above any idea we had. So we acted on it. We are going to cancel our cable and phone with our cable company, but keep the internet - as it's currently cheaper than going with anyone else, plus it's faster for the price. We then purchased a NETTALK DUO device that will allow us home phone service for 1 yr for no more than $30/yr! Yep, that's $30 a YEAR! No monthly bill! Great huh? Anyway, we are waiting for the device before we cancel our current phone service and cable. Then, we will be saving quite a bit!

See, God knew we needed to save money, he knew that somewhere down the line we would need it for something important.

We are also going to take my father's advice on the car/transportation issue. We have already returned the vehicle we had before, and now we are waiting for the bikes. But we are going to save our money up (the money we WOULD have paid for the car payment had we still had it) and get a new car (new not used) in about 2 months from now! Yep, only 2 months from now - with the Lord's blessing that is...

See, God has blessed me and Les generously!

We have a wonderful little boy - growing like a weed!

We have a roof over our head!

We have our bills able to be paid on time!

We are blessed!

God has done so much!

THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR MERCIES EACH AND EVERY DAY!

Well, God bless!